I knew it existed. I just did not see it coming for me.

Before I get into this, let me tell you why I am sharing it now. I have been writing about my pelvic floor physical therapy journey, and going through that process brought me back to a conversation I had been sitting on for a while. Something I hadn't talked about publicly. Sharing my PT experience with Bae opened up a deeper discussion between us about my overall health, and it brought me right back to this. So I figured I am being transparent about the pelvic floor, I should be transparent about this too. Because this is also why I do what I do. I don't just educate myself to teach you. I live it. And being able to be transparent about my own experience is how I understand you all from a real place, not a textbook.

So let me take you back about four years...

Something was going on with my body. I couldn't explain it exactly. Things just felt different. and I know that sounds vague, but when you know your body, you know when something has shifted even if you can't put words to it yet.

I was out of town visiting my best friend when I brought it up to her. I told her I needed to talk to my doctor about it when I got back, but I didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling. She asked me to just lay it out for her, so I did. Rapid fire, right there in her living room. A bunch of things that felt incomplete, disconnected, like fragments that wouldn't add up to anything useful. To me, it sounded like a bunch of half finished explanations that would lead to nothing. When I finished, she looked at me and said, "Just tell your doctor everything you just said."

I already had the appointment scheduled for when I got home. I was just sitting here convinced my doctor wasn't going to understand me because I barely understood me. But I went. And I laid it all out the best I could.

My doctor listened and then she said it sounded like my symptoms were consistent with perimenopause. She ran tests to confirm, and sure enough, that's exactly what it was.

And there it was.

· · ·

I knew about perimenopause. I knew it could start in your mid forties. But at the time, I wasn't even in my mid forties yet. I knew it could start earlier for some women, but I genuinely never saw that for myself. I had the information in my head the way you know facts about things that happen to other people. But hearing your own doctor attach that word to your body, backed up by test results? That hits different. Knowledge and experience live in two very different places.

My first thought went to the Netflix series Workin' Moms. There is a storyline where one of the characters hesitates to tell her husband. And I suddenly understood that hesitation in a way I had not before. Not because of shame. But because of everything the word carries with it. The questions. The assumptions. The fear of how someone will receive it.

At the time, I was early in dating someone I really like. Someone I could see longevity with. I was set to go visit him soon and my mind was racing. Plus I am an overthinker, so that wasn't helping. I kept thinking it over. How do I say this? When do I say it? What if he sees it as baggage he didn't sign up for?

So of course I was emotional when it was time for me to visit him. All over the place for no identifiable reason, which, spoiler alert, was actually a very identifiable reason. I couldn't leave him in the dark. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us. So I told him...

And immediately thought, here we go. He's about to run.

Telling someone something vulnerable about your body and watching them stay is one of the most intimate things I have experienced. He didn't flinch. ~Velvet Lenae

He didn't run. He's been supportive in every way. My body, my mental health, my general health, ail of it has surfaced to the top more than I'd like. But he has been right there. And I love him for that and for everything beyond the support he provides. I have to give him his accolades because he earned them.

As a sex educator, there are things that are hard even for us to prepare for. I talk about bodies and intimacy and health for a living, and this one still caught me off guard. Thankfully, I have him by my side. And that has made all the difference.

· · ·

So let me educate while I'm here, because that is what we do in this space.

Perimenopause is the transition period leading up to menopause. It is when your hormones, specifically estrogen and progesterone, start fluctuating, sometimes dramatically, as your body moves toward the end of it's reproductive years. Menopause itself is a single moment in time, defined as 12 consecutive months without a period. Everything leading up to that? That is perimenopause. And it can last anywhere from four to ten years.

My short description is menopause with a period.

WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS

Perimenopause typically begins between ages 40 and 44, though some women notice changes as early as their late 30s.
About 81% of women report hot flashes, 80% experience night sweats, and 70-80% experience sleep disturbances during the transition.
Perimenopausal women have a 40% higher risk for depressive symptoms compared to premenopausal women.
Up to 82% experience memory problems and brain fog, peaking between ages 50 and 54.
About 54% of women experiencing menopause symptoms report it impacted their sex life or relationships, with 46% reporting reduced libido.
Nearly 40% of perimenopausal women with vasomotor symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats) remain untreated.

The symptoms are wide ranging and they don't always show up the way you expect. Irregular periods, yes. Hot flashes, yes. But also fatigue that does not fix. Mood swings that feel disproportionate to anything happening around you. Joint pain you didn't have before. Brain fog that makes you question your own memory. Changes in your skin, your weight, your sleep patterns and your desire for intimacy. It can feel like your body is doing things without consulting you first.

Now here is where it gets layered. Because perimenopause does not affect all women equally.

According to the Study of Women's Health Across the Nation (SWAN), one of the largest ongoing studies of menopause, Black Women tend to enter perimenopause earlier, experience more severe symptoms, and deal with them for significantly longer. On average, Black Women experience vasomotor symptoms like hot flashes and night sweats for approximately 10 years, compared to 6. years for white women. Black women are also more likely to report higher rates of sleep disruption and depressive symptoms during the transition.

And despite carrying a heavier symptom burden, Black Women are less likely to be offered hormone therapy, which is considered the gold standard treatment for managing in medical settings. Which means a lot of Black Women are out here suffering through something that has effective treatment options, but they are either not being told about them or not being taken seriously when they bring it up.

If that does not make you want to advocate harder at your next doctor's appointment, I don't know what will.

WHAT BLACK WOMEN NEED TO KNOW

Black Women can enter perimenopause as early as their late 30s to early 40s.
The menopausal transition lasts approximately 10 years for Black Women on average, compared to 6.5 years for white women.
Black Women are twice as likely to undergo a total hysterectomy, which can trigger surgical menopause and accelerate symptoms.
Black Women are less likely to be offered hormone therapy and more likely to have symptoms dismissed by providers.
Chronic stress, socioeconomic factors, and healthcare disparities all compound the severity and duration of symptoms.

Let me talk about how this affects your intimate life, because I know that's why a lot of you are here and it needs to be said.

When estrogen drops, vaginal tissue can become thinner, drier, and less elastic. That directly affects comfort during sex. Declining testosterone can reduce desire itself. So you have the physical changes making sex less comfortable at the same time the hormonal changes are making you want it less. And on top of that, you're dealing with fatigue, mood swings, body image shifts, and the emotional weight of navigating a major life transition. It is a lot happening at once.

About 45% of women experience sex-related concerns during midlife, and that number is likely higher for Black Women given the increased severity and duration of symptoms. But here's what I want you to hear. This doesn't mean your intimate life is over. It means it's changing. And changes can be navigated, communicated, and adapted to, especially when you and your partner are willing to be honest about what is happening.

That is exactly what my Bae and I are doing. We talk about it. We adjust. We show up for each other. And that kind of openness has actually deepened our intimacy in ways I was not expecting.

Sweet • Raw • Sticky

Sweet is having someone hold space for your body's changes without making you feel broken for going through them. Raw is sitting in a doctor's office hearing a word you knew existed but never expected to hear about yourself. Sticky is the kind of intimacy that deepens when two people choose to be honest about what their bodies needs, even when the conversation is uncomfortable.

Ladies, continue to pay attention to your bodies. That feeling of something is off but I can't explain it is reason enough to bring it up to your doctor. You don't need to have the perfect words. You don't need a polished explanation. List it out the way I did, messy and incomplete, and let your provider help you connect the dots. Advocate for yourself. EVERY single time. And if your provider dismisses you, find one who won't.

Your physical health can affect your mental health, which can affect your intimacy. When you let everything pile up without addressing it, the weight of it shows up everywhere. In your mood, in your energy, in your relationship, and in your bed.

And for the fellas, your partner may be going through this or heading toward it. Educate yourself. Ask her what she needs. Do not take the mood changes, the fatigue, or the shifts in desire personally. Show up the way my Bae showed up for me, present, patient, and willing to learn. You'd be surprised how much that kind of support can actually deepen your intimacy, which can in turn help her health and decrease the effects she is feeling. Your presence and your patience are more powerful than you think.

Support each other. That is the whole thing.

Health really is wealth. And the people who stay beside you while your body is figuring itself out? That's intimacy money can't buy. ~Velvet Lenae

This is also why I do what I do. I don't just educate myself to teach you. I can be transparent about my own experiences, and from that place, I understand y'all in a way that a textbook could never. My pelvic floor journey, my perimenopause, my personal life, all of it feeds into the work I share with you here. And that's intentional. Because the most powerful education comes from someone who has lived it and is still living it.

I'm still in this. I'm still adjusting. But I wanted to share this now because somebody reading this is feeling things in their body that they can't explain and they need to know it might be perimenopause, and that's okay. You're not falling apart. Your body is transitioning. And you deserve support, information, and care while it does.

Talk to your doctor. Talk to your partner. Talk to your girls. And if nobody else has said it to you yet, let me be the first. You're going to be okay.

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